People are gathering together today in the United States to appreciate and celebrate the cornucopia of plenty. Whilst others are staying home alone. That's typical in any year there, but this year, a lot of people are isolated from friends & family, partly because of the cultural wars happening there. This inspired me to share much of the chapter from my book on gratitude and relationships. But before we get there, I also want to share some reflections on gratitude and the holiday.
Thanksgiving
It is a great holiday in concept. It's all about feast over famine, love over hate on the surface, after all, it's about gratitude. We do not need to rehash the ugly truths of how white people came there and slaughtered populations of people who helped them learn about the land and the foods there. Although, we can acknowledge it. Let's get to where I am going here, and that is that gratitude on its own is a wonderful practice that we can do every day. It is life-changing for many people
Simultaneously, gratitude can be a challenging practice sometimes as well for everyone. Can we remember the feeling of mystery and awe that the Earth presents us with each and every day?
Thanksgiving was never meant to be shut up in a single day.
- Robert Caspar Lintner
It is not always easy to do it or feel it when you feel that things are not going your way - that's a perspective thing. Or, when faced with challenges like poverty and homelessness, or illness and chronic pain, it adds a layer of difficulty to connect with that feeling. It's not always easy to do it if you grew up being beaten or emotionally abused by other family members - another horrendous layer of difficulty. It happens. It's something we don't want to speak aloud, but it happens.
Once on a date, a seemingly nice guy asked me how my relationship was with my family. At the time, and although they lived in other states, it was normal. He then went on to say that he was glad because he did not date anyone who is not close with their family. I did not want to see him again. Where was his compassion? Remembering an instance as a teenager, hopelessly watching one of my girlfriends get beaten up by her father and brothers before dragging her inside the house. Why would anyone who suffered this kind of abuse want to be close to their abusers? This guy failed to recognize that not everyone he meets will have had the same experience of warmth. So, even though she or you may have overcome those challenges letting go of or forgiving your caretakers or others, Thanksgiving the holiday can be challenging.
The only people with whom you should try to get even are those who have helped you.
- John E. Southard
It is easy to have gratitude when you can sleep in a warm, clean bed and your belly is full. It is easier when your basic needs are met. It is easy to have gratitude when you feel that your life is purposeful - that you are loved, wanted and needed. And ironically, when we perceive that things are good or even great, practising gratitude does not always come naturally. Gratitude can be challenging. It's even challenging sometimes when we have forgotten how fortunate we are when we take our circumstances for granted. This brings me to the part finally where I share much of chapter six. It's from the book Gratitude Shmatitude: Don't just think it, do it!
Other beings and gratitude!
Having gratitude for our relationships can be one of the most challenging practices since people and other beings are much more complicated, whether friends, family, your own self or other species.
Friendship
When I started writing about our relationships with other living beings in the world as a focus for this chapter, I was having trouble finding where to begin. So I paused and wrote other things. It was the most complex subject of focus to write about thus far since our relationships with others are less tangible. They change and vary over the years as we do and, unlike our other essential needs that we focused on in the earlier chapters, people are more complex. We fulfil different roles for different people and, drama and circumstance can colour our experiences of these relationships.
Subsequently, I wondered what approach to take? There are many studies on friendship and social relationships and their importance to our well being. Some report that younger people have more frequent contact with friends, etc. But I was looking for the essence, the feeling, not the data. Personal experience is always a good first start. So, here are some things that I have found shocking about relationships throughout the years.
Sometimes friendships die, sometimes someone is an unexpected source of love and support, and sometimes people you consider your friend might consider you an acquaintance. Two of these observations came through experience and, the third from a study published in March 2016. The study tells us that -
When analyzing self-reported relationship surveys from several experiments, we find that the vast majority of friendships are expected to be reciprocal, while in reality, only about half of them are indeed reciprocal. These findings suggest a profound inability of people to perceive friendship reciprocity, perhaps because the possibility of non-reciprocal friendship challenges one’s self-image.
Source: Are You Your Friends’ Friend? Poor Perception of Friendship Ties Limits the Ability to Promote Behavioral Change, Abdullah Almaatouq, Laura Radaelli, Alex Pentland, Erez Shmueli [https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0151588]
There are different kinds of friends. Some will remain with you throughout your lifetime, and some won’t. For the most part, it’s not someone’s fault that friendships end. Some friendships begin through circumstance or mutual acquaintances, shared interests, etc. Some friends will love and cherish you until the end, whilst others might even betray you.
Friendship is when people know all about you but like you anyway
- anonymous
Some friends will traverse considerable distances to support you in sorrowful times. Some will bring you baskets of food when your partner is in the hospital or encourage and support you when you need it most. Some friends will abandon you, and some will bring the party supplies and help you celebrate the most extraordinary moments of your life. Every so often, life events distance and separate people until they find each other again at another time.
We do not have the same structure and rituals that we did in the past binding us together. Our world is different, and it is going to continue to change. One thing that you can hold dear and steady is your deep appreciation, respect, loyalty, and care for your friends. Take time to appreciate the ones you have now during this time in your life.
Blissful solitude = Know thyself!
A myriad of studies informs us that living in isolation can cut years from our lives. We all need support. We cannot always go it alone, and when we share our lives with others, it opens us to experiences that we could not have in isolation. In contrast, periodically, we are so wrapped up in others; We don’t have time to think. For some people, introspection and thinking are painful because they have never really been alone.
Then there are the self-help quips that tell us - you have to love yourself before you love someone else...yadda yadda yadda. I think you can absolutely love someone even when you do not love yourself enough. Only, you will not be fully capable and present in that love. Or perhaps that love may be needy. Love is subjective and nuanced when we are dealing with the other outside of ourselves.
What about simply liking yourself - liking yourself enough to simply be. When we spend sufficient time alone, our identities are stripped away one at a time like a matryoshka doll set. Open it up, and then there is another and another until there is only one left.
At that moment, we are left with ourselves. Will we feel lonely and isolated? Or will we be at peace? Will we take that time to think, to plan and dream about our wishes and desires? Will we undertake the necessary actions every day to live an inspired life?
When we are alone, we are just as we are without any expectations. If however, you aren’t accustomed to being alone, it’s easy to cling to others’ ideas of whom we are and their expectations. Unless and until we know who we are, other people's voices rattle in our heads. It’s not about the judgments of others. It’s about getting to a point where you can spend time alone; Not to escape people or your responsibilities but to respect yourself enough to want to be alone. You aren’t chasing after others for fulfilment. You are already fulfilled, or at least working towards fulfilment. That is blissful solitude.
Γ Ν Ω Θ Ι Σ Α Υ Τ Ο Ν
Inscribed in Apollo’s Temple at Delphi, it means Know Thyself and has been interpreted in many ways, including nothing in excess.
The Bhagavad Gita in Chapter 6, verse 5 says –
Lift up the self by the Self
And don’t let the self-droop-down,
For the Self is the self’s only friend
And the self is the Self’s only foe.
There is a marked difference between being alone and being lonely. Take some time to think about the differences.
Relationships with other sentient beings
Our planet is full of life, whales, elephants, dogs, cats, insects, an endless list - it is beyond amazing. This brief section is to remind you and me that we mustn’t forget that we share the world with so many other amazing creatures. Let’s take a few moments to be thankful for their mystery, their beauty, and wonder. We'll take a little more time to focus next on the other beings present in our lives.
Beloved pets or our non-human household friends
Being human is not a prerequisite for companionship. Other beings are more than capable of sharing, caring and loving us and us them. The health benefits that they offer us have even been documented. Adorable cats, faithful dogs, hamsters, exotic fish, and mice have all been at one time or another the divine beings that I have tenderly cared for in my life.
The greatest pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only he will not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.
– Samuel Butler
We are animals, and other animals have the capacity for friendships within their species and across species too. Here are some things that I think of when thinking of pets that have been under my care -
I am grateful for my non-human friends, for the emotional support they offer to me without judgment. The unconditional love that even seems suspicious sometimes - do they love me only for biscuits? 🙂
If you are having trouble thinking of reasons why they are awesome, check out this gratitude list ―
The meaning they give to me as their caretaker and provider.
The opportunity to go out for walks.
Reminding me to live in the present moment.
The fidelity and companionship that my pet friends give to me.
The time we share being together in the presence of each other.
The emotional support they offer to me without judgment.
Finally, in every chapter of the book, the reader is given a mission to help them connect with gratitude. Here is your mission possible.
Mission Possible
Your mission is to make time to practice gratitude and do the tasks. You get a break this time around with only one task on your to-do list. Before you get to the task, read and perform all the items on your checklist below.
Your Gratitude Checklist
- Make time to practice gratitude today.
- List at least ten items that you are grateful for today.
- Answer the daily questions down below.
- Complete today's task.
They both seemed to understand that describing it was beyond their powers, the gratitude that spreads through your body when a burden gets lifted, and the sense of homecoming that follows when you suddenly remember what it feels like to be yourself.
-Tom Perrotta
Checking-in
- What is going well for you right now? Appreciate the positive. Every situation has something to offer you. Write it down.
- Close your eyes and think about something that feels good right now. What is the feeling behind the situation? Does it give you a sense of security or freedom?
- What are you struggling with right now? Appreciate the negative. Every situation has something to offer you. For example, if you find fault with someone or something, can you find something about that person or situation that you are grateful for?
Your Task
Take action to express your gratitude for friends, family, and other beings on this Earth.
Take action to enrich your relationships today. First, think about the relationships that are important to you and consciously be thankful for them. Spend five minutes quietly thinking about the best qualities in your friends and family members. Then take more direct action by either making time to meet a friend for tea or coffee or write someone important to you a letter or send a note by snail mail. Go crazy and call someone spontaneously, without an appointment.
Or, if you want to focus on your fur friends, take them for a walk or do something special with them. It is your choice, but no matter what you do that is special, hold them in your thoughts and send them love mentally.
That concludes chapter six of Gratitude Shmatitude. If gratitude isn't yet a practice for you, I hope it will become one. Namaste.
If you want to dig deeper into gratitude, you can purchase the book on kindle or in print from Amazon and Barnes and Noble.
