Gaslighting - a basic definition.
People do it to each other.
Conscious or unconscious action?
Gaslighting can be intentional and conscious, and many examples are generally pretty extreme, as we’ll see in some examples. Although it can be subtle and even a conditioned behaviour by someone who may have grown up in an environment with this behaviour - repeating patterns - generally, it is intended and purposeful.
Many films, especially thrillers, will include characters that wittingly use gaslighting as a means to brainwash and manipulate someone. The term has its origins in a 20th-century play, Gas Light, by Patrick Hamilton, which was later made into a movie. In Gaslight, a black and white psychological thriller from 1944, a man manipulates his wife into thinking she is losing her mind. And the shining example is when she questions the flickering of the gas lights in their home. He tells her she is imagining things. But alas, she was not.
For me, having examples that illustrate a concept are useful. Thus, here are some films that exemplify gaslighting of either individuals or groups.
A film where one person uses gaslighting as a tool to manipulate another -
Amélie, the character from the film, uses gaslighting in an attempt to get an ill-tempered character - the grocer to treat his employees with respect. Her manipulation is intentional, and her shenanigans are seemingly innocuous at first but move to a darker territory as the grocer, Collignon, begins to question his sanity.
A film based on a true story where a small group, namely police use gaslighting to manipulate the mother of a missing child.
Based on a true story, the 2008 film, Changeling, revolves around the disappearance of nine-year-old Walter Collins, the son of Christine Collins. He went missing in the late 1920s in Riverside County in Southern California, along with several other young boys. Six months after his disappearance, the police returned a boy to his mother claiming him to be her son. Although the child returned to her was not her son, the police insisted it was him. They did this in an attempt to alleviate the fears of the public and to ease the negative publicity that fell upon them as several boys went missing in the area. The real-life case is known as the Wineville Chicken Coop Murders.
A book and film where a whole government uses gaslighting -
The book is George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four, AKA 1984. His work originally published on 8 June 1949, by Secker & Warburg, was later made into a film that was released - you guessed it - in 1984. John Hurt starred as the protagonist Winston Smith who lived under the reign of a totalitarian government. In the story, the government contrives to control its populace into blind obeyance. They do this by presenting a series of falsehoods and fabrications that would be indicative of gaslighting governments. Big Brother is watching you!
Gaslighting and Racism
Here is a real-life example that you might be aware of during these times -
A person is telling their story or retelling a story that explicitly demonstrates racism in action or is illustrating how racism influenced this story; Then someone says something like this -
“Stop playing the race card and making everything about race.”
This is a clear cut example of gaslighting the person who is sharing the story. As a result, the storyteller can begin to doubt themselves. They might wonder if they are over-reacting or being too sensitive since the subtext of that statement is that racism isn’t a big deal or that it is an isolated incident.
It is a big deal, and history and a skim through current events in the news will reaffirm that not only is racism real, but it’s also killing people. The gaslighter is making an assumption about this person’s experience.
Gaslighting and Relationships
Gaslighting, clearly as we’ve seen, is not limited to love relationships. It can happen in any relationship. A person surrenders their power to another, creating inequality either by choice or sometimes its simply life - i.e. parent and child. Sometimes, this form of manipulation is used in numerous ways; deflect responsibility away from a person, isolate someone, punish them.
- A partner cheats on the other. Gets caught and then blames the person for their infidelity.
- A partner lies or tells half-truths about their friends or family to isolate or separate their partner from them.
- A parent or partner might use one of the most efficacious gaslighting techniques - the silent treatment. When a person refuses to acknowledge your existence or participate in a conversation, they deny not only your humanity but your very essence - the reality of you.
Any person can be gaslit. It is often slow and perpetual. You may be more susceptible to this form of abuse if you question your self-worth or are a people pleaser. Wait, am I gaslighting you? Or victim blaming? I certainly hope not! The whole victim-blaming thing is ugly, and sometimes, we are so used to being politically correct - we don't speak the truth. The point here is that boundaries are important. You can still be nice to people. It is okay to take your time building relationships. Don’t be so quick to give yourself over entirely to anyone. You are worthy of healthy, loving relationships.
Remember, social conditioning, some circumstances and being subjected to gaslighting through the years can put us in a state where we feel challenged to set boundaries. It can feel challenging to stand in our power and push back against those who might gaslight us. We don’t have to subjugate ourselves out of fear that we won’t be loved or accepted.
