Avoiding avoidance and other ways to help a grieving friend
Many death positive people are helping to pave the way for us, to instruct us on how to grieve in a culture that avoids death and to teach us how to stand with our friends and loved ones in their grief. Based on my own and others personal experiences, advice from others who have shared their experiences of loss publicly and those who have dedicated themselves to death positivity - this piece is how we can support our friends in their grief.
Avoid avoidance! What does that mean? Well, it is something you do when your friend is in the pain of grief. First and foremost, don't ignore your friend. They already can be feeling distraught, isolated and devastated. They are coping with a radical change in their life. They have changed. They are not the same person you encountered just a few days or weeks ago, don’t expect them to be.
No man can cross the same river twice.
Heraclitus
Remember your friend's loss is complex and painful. Grief is a natural response to loss. There is no predetermined time for a person to grieve. Everyone is different. Grief can ebb and flow. When we grieve the loss of someone through death, we also lose immediacy, and we lose possibilities. It is no longer possible to share secrets with them, to call or text them, to meet up with them for a coffee. It’s simply not possible. The loss of possibility is only one facet of death. How we move in the world after the death of a loved one can change too.
Sometimes during the grieving process, your friend might feel: lost, distraught, scared, isolated, angry, hurt, despondent, confused, abandoned and may indeed feel a loss of place in their family or community or other feelings of identity loss. Thus, your friends need you more than ever.
Here's a list of some ways you can support your friend.
Do something actionable like helping them with some chores like doing the laundry or watching the kids for an hour or walk the dog. Cook a meal and drop it off. Don’t ask them permission, show up and do it. Or make it easy for them to accept your help.
Don’t avoid your friend. BE AWKWARD. Listen. Show-up.
Ask your friend to tell you a story or recount a memory about the person they lost. Or if you knew that person well, share a memory with them. Say the deceased person's name out loud. Don't walk on eggshells. If your friend doesn't want to talk about the person, they lost they'll tell you.
Ask your friend to tell you a story or recount a memory about the person they lost. Or if you knew that person well, share a memory with them. Say the deceased person's name out loud. Don't walk on eggshells. If your friend doesn't want to talk about the person, they lost they'll tell you.
When you don't know what to say, even saying that you don't know what to say can be enough. Simply approach the conversation from a place of love, without your own personal expectations.
Check in with them regularly. Send a text message every week or call, and let them know you don’t expect them to return the call or message. Let them off the hook.
Send a note or card via snail mail.
Be present.
Don’t assume anything. Ask questions.
Don't try patching them up. They don't need you to fix them. They need to know they can lean on their friends in times of need, for someone to hold them up when they can't hold themselves up. They need you to believe in them.
Allow your friend to grieve.
